The Mericans are a familiar family. Elon and Amy met in college, and after Amy completed grad school, they got married and began to build a life together. The newlyweds enjoyed a few years as DINKs – double income no kids – with travel, eating out, nice cars, and new appliances. The DINK life was fun, but there was a dearth to their two-dimensional family dynamic. Something was missing, and with Amy’s biological clock ticking, they answered the bell and started having kids. In a few short years, with formidable fecundity, the family grew from two to five.

The couple did their best to balance the fledgling family and careers, but with three kids under the age of 8, getting leverage was becoming critical to survival. The couple hatched a plan to have it all and go big on the Merican dream, so they set out to find a nanny. After a long procession of duds and deviants, enter Alexandra. Alexandra was a recent college grad, well-spoken, and a take-charge type of gal. “Wow, what a natural with the kids!” But with a liberal arts degree from Penn, it is tough to get a decent paying job, so the Mericans were in luck.

Things started out swimmingly. The Mericans were able to bring their A-game to work from 8 to 5, while Alexandra kept the household humming. AOC, that’s what she likes to be called, leaned into the gig, looking for ways to take on more responsibility. “What a blessing that she wants to help!” To the Mericans, this was an easy button that could not be resisted. Over the first year and a half, Alexandria progressively took a more active role in the children’s education, discipline, and planning. She also started helping with the household finances; with all the inflow and outflow, it was just easier. Before they knew it, the Mericans had what amounted to a sixth member of the family. It felt a little weird when lil’ Billy occasionally called Alexandria Momma, and it really seemed like they were spending a lot of money, but the Mericans concluded this was the cost of optimization.

As time went on, the weird dynamic became downright dysfunctional. Undermining Amy’s disciplinary decisions, policing Elon’s lawn-watering practices, and getting the kids to boycott non-organic cotton clothing—the Mericans grew uneasy about their easy button. The spending was a concern too: Starbucks pink drinks, Bonpoint activewear, and subscriptions to every possible streaming service—Alexandria was quite prolific with Amy and Elon’s money. She even donated some of the family’s money to the local humane society fundraiser. “How generous,” they thought sarcastically. “AOC is fire, Mom!” the kids would exclaim. The couple, roiled in their careers, responded with eye rolls and shrugs, but neither was willing to get off the hamster wheel to deal with the dysfunctional rise of Alexandria.

The hamster wheel came to a screeching halt when the missed payment notices started bubbling up, and the couple took a good look at their finances for the first time in a year. While their income had stayed roughly flat, the outflow was on a steady and steep pitch upward. There had been “more month than money” for months; the Merican balance sheet was abysmal, and austerity was imperative.

The Mericans were fully prepared to take ownership of the situation; after all, they really didn’t give Alexandria clarity around the budget, and the kids love her so much. When they sat down to discuss the situation with Alexandria, they were shocked. She was defensive and downright defiant, seemingly forgetting who was in charge and whose money they were discussing. A subsequent conversation with the kids revealed their inability to understand why the Mericans were being so mean and unwilling to let AOC give them the life they deserve. Baffled by the belligerence, the Mericans ended their meeting with an unsettled feeling.

The couple agreed that something smelled foul and began a deep dive into the family finances. Poor money management is one thing, but Alexandria was clearly buying the kids’ favor, and even worse, they figured out she was paying her boyfriend’s bills and giving him cash for dubious ‘projects’ around the house. “The nerve of this lady!”

And so, we arrive at the present, with our tale still weaving its next chapter. As the full extent of Alexandra’s deceit became clear, Elon, filled with anger, fired the nanny.  Alexandria, refusing to go quietly, is fomenting dissent amongst the children and the kids have staged a protest. What a mess! What will come of the Mericans? We will see.